Do you have any condoms… or lubricated clown balloons?

Beloved Readers!

After months of silence (and continued laziness), i have returned to your beloved blog to, well, to blog about things and stuff and other such niceties. So, in the words of the timeless lyrical poet Mr. Kool and the rest of his “Gang”, get down on it, readers.

get down on it.

So…

The other day (meaning three months ago), a reader who stumbled accross AAOUEM while looking for catholic-school-girl-porn (as most readers initially do), asked me this very simple question:

“Is there a single word that means “wise beyond one’s years” ?”

The answer is simple. “wise”.

But truth is, its not that flashy to just say wise. so instead, here are a list of made up words and expressions to distract and confuse a listener amidst a conversation about someone wise beyond their years:

-agedly-sage

-Chuck Norris

-cognitively-advanced

-Gandolphy

-Not-George-Bush Syndrome

-wizardly

-much like the tootsie pop owl.

-”You got any blow? Maybe some weed i can buy?”

-”I think Imus said it best…”

-”You’re a nosy fucker, aren’t you?”

-” Eat a bag of dicks.”

 

I find the last few to be the most effective.

Enjoy!

a quick one for the holidays…

A few brief thoughts about the Holiday Season:

 -When  did it become common-place to gift people knitted sweaters with child-like renderings of nordic woodlands creatures? Was it before or after a giant walking and talking bunny carrying pastel eggs was taken by another holiday?

-What does Chicken taste like? 

 -I’d like a porno to be set to the Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack… One scene could be Linus, Lucy, and Lucy’s friend Rain who’s just there because her shower is broken.

-What does Santa get for Christmas?

-I’d like to see Santa go on the Atkins Diet, so I can leave him cooked hamburger patties instead. (no buns!)

-I clearly ran out of ideas today, and am merely wasting my time wasting your time.

Enjoy!

X-mas is just Christmas with a bigger skateboard ramp…

Greetings Readers!!!

 It’s holiday time around here, which means we celebrate all people of faith by celebrating Christmas, but not in the Jesus-y way… purely through candy canes and bearded old men in ratty red suits. Because if this weren’t a holiday, you wouldn’t let those drunk old men sitting around the mall anywhere near your kids.

“Nappy-headed ho ho hoes!” – Imus Claus

So, in the spirit of Christmas, I will be purchasing presents for every reader who sends me a vile of their stem cells. Science doesn’t take a holiday, because it has some doubts about the creation story. So that being said, Merry Christmas and deliver your viles in an umarked container to P.O. Box 1234.

“Happy Birthday to Me indeed.” – Jesus

And now, its time for a contest!!!!

 

 AAOUEM’s 1st Annual Awesome Christmas Sweater Competition!

The winner will recieve an honorary membership to the AAOUEM Hall of Fame, and their picture posted in every post for the month of January.

Submit your entries to the website as if you were asking a question. The winner will be decided on December 29th!!! Enter now!!!

 

I just heard a tree falling in the woods.

Earlier today, one reader named Dr. Feelgood had this query:

“If Boris Meno and Stephen Curry approached you with the idea of having a threesome, would you take it?”

Unfortunately, my answer is obsequiously vague.

For you see, I am a team player here at AAOUEM (I play with myself) and play for the love of the game. That being said, I would turn down the Boris Meno-Stephen Curry Three-Way Manfest because that’s not how a Wildcat does it. In fact, I would not even entertain an all-star manfest with the Davidson starting five. I will however, agree to this:

A 23-way, Curry-Meno-Richards-Lovedale-McKillop(s) plural-Rossiter-Gosselin-Sander-Archambault-Barr-Civi-Allison-Nelms-Bond-a few of the cheerleaders-and (most importantly)-the Wildcat man-fest featuring a few ladies and a mid-sized woodlands predator. That is teamwork, team spirit, and a whole lot of people to fit into a standard studio apartment, let alone the cameras.

(The most potent “Eiffel Tower” ever).

November: A month poorly reviewed…

Beloved readers!!!

Much has happened over the past month (a.k.a. – since I declared my renewed dedication to daily updates), mainly my lying about re-dedicating myself to daily updates to this blog. That totally didn’t happen.

 What did happen, however, is this:

-grass grew (3 inches!)

-Jeff McKinney’s far-too-often-flaccid penis became erect thanks to a “Dancing With the Stars” TV marathon.

-A chinese baby was born.

-Someone thought about the Van Halen “Right Now” music video, and how awesome it was when it first came out.

-I contemplated the purchase of a “Who Farted?” t-shirt.

-the price of bread and milk increased ever so slightly.

-tensions flared in the middle east.

-a new mental disorder was discovered among radical Islamics(ists?): beard envy.

-I still can’t believe Hulk Hogan lost to The Ultimate Warrior in Wrestlemania IV.

And that is pretty much it.

Well, that and character actor Steve Buscemi delivered a great performance.

“Who’s got your undies, Walter?”

Welcome to LA…here are your complimentary Chuck Taylor’s…

so…

“ask an otherwise unemployed english major” has moved to l.a. and has thus given up on capital letters altogether.

Just kidding…(or am i?)

Either way, it is time to address a concerning issue: AIDS.

Wait, did I say AIDS? I meant the LA AIDS Walk.

And what about the LA AIDS walk? It is nothing but a huge traffic nightmare that leads anyone driving in LA to yell “f@*cking AIDS” as you shake your fist at traffic. I’m surprised people in LA even care that much about AIDS, unless they are talking about a The Gap commercial, in which case AIDS becomes trendy and acceptable to support. But what about all those kids that wanted to go to the mall? They couldn’t drive this Sunday, and were thus forced to walk to the mall, and worse yet, walk amongst people that have (gasp!) AIDS.

Sadly, at the end of the day, everyone at the AIDS walk got just a little bit sicker from the beautiful LA smog.

 

 ”AIDS is a nappy-headed disease” – Don Imus

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Now will a more ample crotch bulge!”

So, its been a while. But I can explain.

And by “explain”, I mean blame you, the readers, for not sending in your questions, comments, fan-mail, hate-mail, and welfare checks. I need those to survive…and by survive, I mean feed my outrageous hunger for crack.

 

(Tastes like chicken…I think? I’m sweating and cold at the same time)

So, as I was saying, don’t smoke crack. That’s for me. I’ve earned it. In the meantime, send in questions so I have something to go on (not at the bus station).  Also, reader Ed is getting particularly snippy about my lack of posting. It is almost as if his heart’s delicate little motor gains sustinence and the will to keep beating from my blog alone.  That is why I implore you, for the sake of reader Ed, to please write in with daily blog questions, perhaps even a recipe or two.  Maybe even a movie review, like this one from AAOUEM’s very own “Me pretending to be Tony Shalhoub”!!!

 

This week’s review: Spider Man 3

“This movie sucked. Once again, I spent two hours in a theater full of virgins hoping that Toby McGuire finally gets killed, or at least has to torture Kirsten Dunst to save his own life, only to have him get his testicles cut off in a surprise plot twist.

Alas, none of this happened, and worse still, I spent money on popcorn after sneaking into the theater. Damn I wish I’d went to Transformers…”

                                                                    -Tony Shalhoub

Idol threats and other homonyms…

Greetings glorious readers and Jeff McKinney!

It has been long overdue, but I will be submitting to your subpoena and agreeing to a frivolous paternity test…I don’t care how much your dog looks like me.

That being said, I would like to apologize to the young impressionable viewers who have not had the ability to read new posts for quite some time now, mostly due to the fact that I had written none, and showed no visible signs of discipline or concern. Because as we all know, it’s the children that suffer the most…and the children they have at a young age out of rebellion or merely your shortcomings as a parent.

But I digress…

 First thing first. Reader Ed had this to say:

“Remember when you used to post things here? That was awesome.”

Ed is in fact right… that was awesome. Inversely, when I did not post things here, an overwhelming sense of not-awesomeness loomed like a dark, angry, silent cloud that subsequently lacked awesomeness. I applaud Ed’s courage to speak up and speak out against the not-awesomeness, and I can only hope that this most recent post will be greeted as a liberator.

Secondly, a casual reader mentioned this:

“no wonder you’re an unemployed english major. you can’t even spell Seinfeld correctly. oooo burn!”

Oddly enough, she brings up a great philisophical debate. When criticizing erroneous grammatical errors, it is inherently hypocritical to do so in a manner that contains glaring grammatical errors of its own? Sentences begin with capital letters, as do proper nouns such as “English”. Subsequently, “oooo” is just making a long o sound. “Ooooh,” as I imagine she meant, contains an “h” and is subsequently spelled wrong. But who are we to judge?

At this point in the post I will threaten to bearishly eat you like salmon.

 That being said, on to some fun stuff. It’s time to crown a winner! Yay!!!So, by the power vested in me by myself, I dub the winner of this year’s AAOUEM 1st Annual Most Attractive Reader Competition is….

The Jumpin’ Jammerz Crew!!!!

www.jumpinjammerz.com

 

Congratulations to the winners, and good luck next year to those that lost…which is everyone else, especially Dave Tulis.

This blog is using you to get closer to your friends, who are hotter…

Reader Nation,

 Polls are still open for the handsomest reader competition, and we are still accepting entries!!! Enter now and win a free copy of Michael Richards’ new book “But I was funny on Sienfeld?” before it hits the bookshelves!

But there’s more…

 He will also write a handwritten apology to the social reform leader of your choice!

 ”Don Imus is a pussy.” – Michael Richards

 

But on to news and current events…

Today i finished an erotic Madlibs puzzle, and I’d have to say, it is not nearly as provocative as I had previously hoped ( you know, come home, dim the lights, pour some wine, play some light jazz, zipper your bondage mask just so… and finish some Madlibs).

See for yourself:

please share your thoughts and tell me that you’ve found two swedish flight attendants with large fake ___nails________ and nice tight ___gloves ____ and deep dreamy ___pillows____ who are young, willing, and __properly insured against flood damage_______ and who also want to tag along with us tonight to the show and maybe touch our __ wallets______ and kiss our ___friends________!  

Anyone who feels they can create a sexier madlib, please feel free to write in…

 

The newest entry into our “sexiest Reader competition”!!!

 

Enjoy.

Opinions were like kittens, I was giving them away…

Some thoughts:

- I started reading a book the other day, but it was just a bunch of phone numbers, so I stopped.

- I recently paid for a Sierra Mist Free. It was $0.85.

-I got angry when someone had taken the crossword puzzle section of the newspaper from the office break room, but then realized whoever it is that took it must be upset the 74% of the time I take it from them.

-I would like to see a nurse at a strip club getting a lapdance from a nurse, but I imagine my medical bills would soon skyrocket thereafter.

-Are there any Jewish starfish?

-I saw a woman get hit by a car yesterday, which in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have laughed at.

But, the car had come basically to a complete stop by the time of impact, so essentially she walked into a parked car. She tried to run in front of a stopped bus and across 4 lanes of traffic (two in each direction) near the busiest intersection in uptown Charlotte. She made it across one.

-I would like it better if nothing rhymed with the word “rhyme”.

And now, for a contest!!!!

Since it will soon be the one year anniversary of this blog, what better way than to bring a little competetive sexiness to the blog. That being said, I am introducing a new contest:

ASK AN OTHERWISE UNEMPLOYED ENGLISH MAJOR’S 1st Annual Sexiest Reader Competition!!!

The rules are simple. Resond to this post with your name and a picture of yourself. I may even set up an email address for your convenience. The winner will be prominently displayed on the blog’s anniversary blog, potentially in every blog thereafter (until a new winner is crowned).

But keep in mind, many of our readers are very attractive while many are hideous.

Here is a sampling of some of our known readers photos: