Do you have any condoms… or lubricated clown balloons?

Beloved Readers!

After months of silence (and continued laziness), i have returned to your beloved blog to, well, to blog about things and stuff and other such niceties. So, in the words of the timeless lyrical poet Mr. Kool and the rest of his “Gang”, get down on it, readers.

get down on it.

So…

The other day (meaning three months ago), a reader who stumbled accross AAOUEM while looking for catholic-school-girl-porn (as most readers initially do), asked me this very simple question:

“Is there a single word that means “wise beyond one’s years” ?”

The answer is simple. “wise”.

But truth is, its not that flashy to just say wise. so instead, here are a list of made up words and expressions to distract and confuse a listener amidst a conversation about someone wise beyond their years:

-agedly-sage

-Chuck Norris

-cognitively-advanced

-Gandolphy

-Not-George-Bush Syndrome

-wizardly

-much like the tootsie pop owl.

-”You got any blow? Maybe some weed i can buy?”

-”I think Imus said it best…”

-”You’re a nosy fucker, aren’t you?”

-” Eat a bag of dicks.”

 

I find the last few to be the most effective.

Enjoy!

a quick one for the holidays…

A few brief thoughts about the Holiday Season:

 -When  did it become common-place to gift people knitted sweaters with child-like renderings of nordic woodlands creatures? Was it before or after a giant walking and talking bunny carrying pastel eggs was taken by another holiday?

-What does Chicken taste like? 

 -I’d like a porno to be set to the Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack… One scene could be Linus, Lucy, and Lucy’s friend Rain who’s just there because her shower is broken.

-What does Santa get for Christmas?

-I’d like to see Santa go on the Atkins Diet, so I can leave him cooked hamburger patties instead. (no buns!)

-I clearly ran out of ideas today, and am merely wasting my time wasting your time.

Enjoy!

X-mas is just Christmas with a bigger skateboard ramp…

Greetings Readers!!!

 It’s holiday time around here, which means we celebrate all people of faith by celebrating Christmas, but not in the Jesus-y way… purely through candy canes and bearded old men in ratty red suits. Because if this weren’t a holiday, you wouldn’t let those drunk old men sitting around the mall anywhere near your kids.

“Nappy-headed ho ho hoes!” – Imus Claus

So, in the spirit of Christmas, I will be purchasing presents for every reader who sends me a vile of their stem cells. Science doesn’t take a holiday, because it has some doubts about the creation story. So that being said, Merry Christmas and deliver your viles in an umarked container to P.O. Box 1234.

“Happy Birthday to Me indeed.” – Jesus

And now, its time for a contest!!!!

 

 AAOUEM’s 1st Annual Awesome Christmas Sweater Competition!

The winner will recieve an honorary membership to the AAOUEM Hall of Fame, and their picture posted in every post for the month of January.

Submit your entries to the website as if you were asking a question. The winner will be decided on December 29th!!! Enter now!!!

 

I just heard a tree falling in the woods.

Earlier today, one reader named Dr. Feelgood had this query:

“If Boris Meno and Stephen Curry approached you with the idea of having a threesome, would you take it?”

Unfortunately, my answer is obsequiously vague.

For you see, I am a team player here at AAOUEM (I play with myself) and play for the love of the game. That being said, I would turn down the Boris Meno-Stephen Curry Three-Way Manfest because that’s not how a Wildcat does it. In fact, I would not even entertain an all-star manfest with the Davidson starting five. I will however, agree to this:

A 23-way, Curry-Meno-Richards-Lovedale-McKillop(s) plural-Rossiter-Gosselin-Sander-Archambault-Barr-Civi-Allison-Nelms-Bond-a few of the cheerleaders-and (most importantly)-the Wildcat man-fest featuring a few ladies and a mid-sized woodlands predator. That is teamwork, team spirit, and a whole lot of people to fit into a standard studio apartment, let alone the cameras.

(The most potent “Eiffel Tower” ever).

November: A month poorly reviewed…

Beloved readers!!!

Much has happened over the past month (a.k.a. – since I declared my renewed dedication to daily updates), mainly my lying about re-dedicating myself to daily updates to this blog. That totally didn’t happen.

 What did happen, however, is this:

-grass grew (3 inches!)

-Jeff McKinney’s far-too-often-flaccid penis became erect thanks to a “Dancing With the Stars” TV marathon.

-A chinese baby was born.

-Someone thought about the Van Halen “Right Now” music video, and how awesome it was when it first came out.

-I contemplated the purchase of a “Who Farted?” t-shirt.

-the price of bread and milk increased ever so slightly.

-tensions flared in the middle east.

-a new mental disorder was discovered among radical Islamics(ists?): beard envy.

-I still can’t believe Hulk Hogan lost to The Ultimate Warrior in Wrestlemania IV.

And that is pretty much it.

Well, that and character actor Steve Buscemi delivered a great performance.

“Who’s got your undies, Walter?”

Welcome to LA…here are your complimentary Chuck Taylor’s…

so…

“ask an otherwise unemployed english major” has moved to l.a. and has thus given up on capital letters altogether.

Just kidding…(or am i?)

Either way, it is time to address a concerning issue: AIDS.

Wait, did I say AIDS? I meant the LA AIDS Walk.

And what about the LA AIDS walk? It is nothing but a huge traffic nightmare that leads anyone driving in LA to yell “f@*cking AIDS” as you shake your fist at traffic. I’m surprised people in LA even care that much about AIDS, unless they are talking about a The Gap commercial, in which case AIDS becomes trendy and acceptable to support. But what about all those kids that wanted to go to the mall? They couldn’t drive this Sunday, and were thus forced to walk to the mall, and worse yet, walk amongst people that have (gasp!) AIDS.

Sadly, at the end of the day, everyone at the AIDS walk got just a little bit sicker from the beautiful LA smog.

 

 ”AIDS is a nappy-headed disease” – Don Imus

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Now will a more ample crotch bulge!”

So, its been a while. But I can explain.

And by “explain”, I mean blame you, the readers, for not sending in your questions, comments, fan-mail, hate-mail, and welfare checks. I need those to survive…and by survive, I mean feed my outrageous hunger for crack.

 

(Tastes like chicken…I think? I’m sweating and cold at the same time)

So, as I was saying, don’t smoke crack. That’s for me. I’ve earned it. In the meantime, send in questions so I have something to go on (not at the bus station).  Also, reader Ed is getting particularly snippy about my lack of posting. It is almost as if his heart’s delicate little motor gains sustinence and the will to keep beating from my blog alone.  That is why I implore you, for the sake of reader Ed, to please write in with daily blog questions, perhaps even a recipe or two.  Maybe even a movie review, like this one from AAOUEM’s very own “Me pretending to be Tony Shalhoub”!!!

 

This week’s review: Spider Man 3

“This movie sucked. Once again, I spent two hours in a theater full of virgins hoping that Toby McGuire finally gets killed, or at least has to torture Kirsten Dunst to save his own life, only to have him get his testicles cut off in a surprise plot twist.

Alas, none of this happened, and worse still, I spent money on popcorn after sneaking into the theater. Damn I wish I’d went to Transformers…”

                                                                    -Tony Shalhoub